WE WILL BE STARTING SOON.. WE ARE LIVE FROM CAROLINE'S IN NYC, WHERE THE POPE HAS BEEN ALL DAY.
IN NYC -- NOT CAROLINE'S.
(that we know of...)
Hi, everyone! It's Saturday Night in the Big
: Town! We're live at Caroline's Comedy Club, in the
: heart of Manhattan. I'm your host, Jennifer
: Rogers. Are you ready to play another round of
: STUMP THE STANDUP?
Many comedians have played Caroline's over the
: years: such luminaries as Judy Tenuta, Richard
: Lewis, Jerry Seinfeld, Richard Belzer, Jay Leno,
: Pee Wee Herman, Sandra Bernhardt, Billy Crystal,
: and many, many more.
Tonight, inspired by those greats, we'll play
: STUMP THE STANDUP with professional funnypersons!
: The comics you will meet are performing in
: Caroline's famous weekly All Star Showcase.
Use the Interact with Host button to send
: questions, comments, quips to our virtual stage
: (actually the Lounge downstairs
: at Caroline's). If the comic who's up cannot think
: of a quick comeback when your question appears on
: the screen for all to see, you may win an ABC
: ONLINE TEE SHIRT!
We'll take your questions just as quickly as they
: come in, and we pledge to get to as many as
: possible. Now let's put our hands together for
: tonight's first standup comic whose ad libs are
: quicker than a speeding bullet (or else you get
: that tee shirt...)! Here's......
TOM SHILLUE
The Nick at Nite guy!
Clubcomedy : Our first question for Tom...
Question : What do *you* think is the biggest difference between
men and women?
Clubcomedy : I AM NOW TOM SHILLUE
Clubcomedy : Women think of lingerie; men think of Alcatraz.
Question : the pope has been at Caroline's all day, club?
Clubcomedy : No, it was the Pope's double -- who also is a
stand-in for Burt Reynolds.
Question : What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Clubcomedy : Me, giving myself the High Five for that last joke!
Question : why are you here?
Clubcomedy : Because I need the exercise
Question : Who killed Nicole and Ron?
Clubcomedy : McCauley Caulkin -- on a beer-drinking spree.
WE ARE PLAYING STUMP THE STANDUP WITH TOM SHILLUE.
Question : What do you think about standing in the doorway
during an earthquake.
Clubcomedy : I let my girlfriend do that.
Question : Why do People get married in Las Vegas?
Clubcomedy : Because it's dry, and the rice stays crispy!
Question : What do you think of the Pope's CD?
Clubcomedy : I keep my finger on Fast Forward and it sounds like
Revolution #9.
Question : What exactly is this?
Clubcomedy : This is a dating service. What are your measurements?
Question : What's better for you, artichokes or lousy lovin?
Clubcomedy : I don't eat anything with the word "choke" in it. (As for lovin, I choke all the time...)
Question : Who is more likely to be in an underwear commercial.. the Pope, or Oprah, and why?
Clubcomedy : Oprah! Because she closely resembles one of the Fruit of the Loom guys.
Question : Where do you think O.J. is off to?
Clubcomedy : I hope he goes to Florida, because they're having
great weather there now.
Question : Is VH1 worth watching?
Clubcomedy : Only host John Fugelsang!
Question : what is green and red and barks like a dog?
Clubcomedy : You, and you don't get that damn tee shirt!
Question : So what do you do for a living?
WE ARE PLAYING STUMP THE STANDUP WITH COMIC TOM SHILLUE, THE NICK AT NITE GUY.
Clubcomedy : Answer to what do I do for a living? Chippendale's
dancer!
Question : When a manic depressive's washer breaks, how do they
get their laundry clean?
Clubcomedy : Friction.
Question : If you were naked would you be happier?
Clubcomedy : You have your answer!
Question : What does "Pope" stand for?
Clubcomedy : Pasteurized Over Perfect ...Elephants.
Question : Do beer drinkers make better lovers?
Clubcomedy : Say women who like corpses...
Question : Why won't you go out with me?
Clubcomedy : You ask too many questions!
Question : Is working the net better than a LIVE audience? ...or
even a dead one?
Clubcomedy : Yes, I consider you to be very much alive....
Clubcomedy : THERE GOES TOM SHILLUE -- NOW WE HAVE
JAFFE COHEN
JAFFE IS ONE OF THE "FUNNY GAY MALES".. HE'LL BE AT
CAROLINE'S IN NYC on OCT 25. HE WAS ON HOWARD STERN/E ENTERTAINMENT AS "GAY JAFFE." HERE WE GO WITH JAFFE... I AM NOW JAFFE COHEN...
Question : What will the 'P' hurricane's name be?
Clubcomedy : Phoebe.
Question : Do you feel ladies are always sexy?
Clubcomedy : I'm gay -- I very rarely think ladies are sexy.
Question : How do you find out the scores of todays college
games?
Clubcomedy : I'd rather score with a college guy! A nice tight end!!
Question : What would you get if you crossed President Clinton
with the Pope and Newt Gingrich?
Clubcomedy : An overweight pontiff whose book isn't selling very
well.
Question : Hmm... coke or pepsi?
Clubcomedy : TEE SHIRT!... Avenue Evi send in real name and address
to JenRogers and we will send you a shirt.
Question : Is Superman really vulnerable to kryptonyte, or is it
Lois's breath?
Clubcomedy : LOL!
Clubcomedy : He's not vulnerable to kriptonite, but other metal
sometimes hurts his feelings..
Question : Hey, didn't you use to be Losa Ropez?
Clubcomedy : No, you're thinking of Carmen Miranda!
Question : Does the Pope speak Klingon?
Clubcomedy : No, but his mitre goes where no mitre has gone
before..
Question : When will the next time be that we go to War?
Clubcomedy : Never!
Question : Did it snow in Minnesota today?
Clubcomedy : Yeah, it was called Snowstorm Sylvia. Or, Tropical Snowstorm Sylvia.
Question : Your wife wanted a foreign convertible, what did you buy her?
Clubcomedy : I bought her the video "If It's Tuesday, This Must be
Belgium"!
Question : What is the meaning of life?
Clubcomedy : TEE SHIRT! Wagon Tale, pls send real name and address to JenRogers via email and we will send shirt. Send proof of answer, too. It's only fair.
Question : Why don't men ever clip their toenails?
Clubcomedy : Why should they when they can bite them?
Question : Where would you have Stevie Wonder sit at a football
game?
Clubcomedy : What difference does it make?
Question : Have you played the Poe's CD backwards
Clubcomedy : LOL! Yeah, it says Cardinal O'Connor is dead!
Question : Why is the sky blue?
Clubcomedy : TEE SHIRT! Suebabes1 -- send real name and address to jenrogers via email. Also proof of answer:)
Question : What is the difference between Pia Zadora and
McCauley Caulkin?
Clubcomedy : LOL! McCauley Caulkin is home alone; Pia Zadora is just
alone without a career.
Question : What is the Pope's opinion of New York?
Clubcomedy : He likes it but he's not happy about the subway fare
going up.
Clubcomedy : TOM SHILLUE THE NICK AT NITE GUY IS BACK, AND JAFFE COHEN, AMERICA'S FUNNIEST GAY GUY IS STILL HERE. THROW QUESTIONS AT BOTH OF THEM...WE ALSO HAVE MARDI ONSTAGE, FOR THE 15-MINUTE AMATEUR HOUR; MARDI WILL ANSWER TOO...
Question : Do you like your job?
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: Sure -- I'm unempoyed.
Clubcomedy : Tom -- you judge! I am lactose intolerant and I
am milking a cow...
Question : Why do you think the Pope told the youth to "Be
Brave"?
Clubcomedy : Tom: I don't know -- he's the one with the bodyguard
Clubcomedy : Jaffe-- Because they are being molested by priests.
HERE IS THE NEXT QUESTION...
Question : Will i win the lottery?
Clubcomedy : Tom: Yes, just keep playing; when you do, I'm selling the Brooklyn Bridge!
Mardi: If you are in a minority.
Question : If you had one wish what would it be? ( no wish for
more wishes.)
Clubcomedy : Tom: I would like airline pillows to at least
resemble pillows in size and texture.
Question : Why are we all so obsessed with on-line?
Clubcomedy : Tom: I think it was that Sandra Bullock movie.
Mardi1121 : We have to be obsessed with something.
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: Because sex is getting too expensive.
Question : Is Mark Fuhrman the devil himself?
Clubcomedy : Tom: Jaffe should know -- he's in Hell now for that answer about the Pope
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: If he were the devil, the glove would have incinerated.
Question : What do men and savings bonds have in common?
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: They take forever to mature.
Clubcomedy : Why did OJ cross the road?
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: To get to the other bride.
Clubcomedy : Tom: Because the jury was flashing the WALK signal.
Question : Who is the leader of Bosnia?
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: Sally Struthers -- she heard they were
dropping food and she moved there.
Clubcomedy : NOW HERE IS ALL TIME RECORD HOLDER MITCH FATEL!
YOU CAN SEE HIS PICTURE IN THE ABC BETA CYBERPLEX GUEST OF THE WEEK AREA RIGHT NOW! YOU CAN EVEN DOWNLOAD IT!!
Clubcomedy : MITCH ADVISES: BE CAREFUL, LADIES, IT WILL DRIVE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND.
Clubcomedy : WE ARE NOW READY TO TAKE QUESTIONS FOR MITCH FATEL. MOST RECENTLY, YOU HAVE SEEN HIM IN THE COMEDY CENTRAL CALVIN KLEIN PARODY ADS. HERE WE GO...I AM NOW MITCH FATEL...
Question : Does the pope steal stuff and stick it in his hat?
Clubcomedy : Yeah, a canned ham fell out last week
Question: Where's Elvis?
Clubcomedy : In the Pope's hat.
Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Clubcomedy : Because he was running from Mark Fuhrman.
Question : What do you do for fun??
Clubcomedy : Steal stuff from the Pope's hat.
Clubcomedy : What is the difference between a pizza and an overwieght black lady?
Clubcomedy : A pizza would have given a guilty verdict.
Question : How do you spell O.J?
Clubcomedy : F*R*E*E.
Question : How long after JFK's assassination did the Warren
Commission begin?
Clubcomedy : Omigod! JFK was killed? Did OJ do it?
Question : What does syciphant mean?
Clubcomedy : A perverted pacyderm.
Question : If you were funny, what would you do?
Clubcomedy : Not this.
JAFFE COHEN IS BACK. HE IS SITTING DOWN NEXT TO MITCH FATEL, HERE IN THE LOUNGE AT CAROLINE'S COMEDY CLUB IN NYC. WE ARE PLAYING STUMP THE STANDUP.
Question : If you could be the sea or the sky which would you
be?
Clubcomedy : Mitch: I would be the algae
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: That's beautiful, MItch.
Clubcomedy : (JAFFE IS NOW KISSING MITCH)
Question : How do I play stump the standup?
Clubcomedy : Mitch: Ya got me! TEE SHIRT!!! Beetle 16, send in
your real name and address via email to jenrogers
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: I don't know; I'm still trying to figure out Candyland.
Question : What am I doing out of bed?
Clubcomedy : Jaffe: Remote control broken? I know the feeling...Getting up to change the channel -- myself -- it was horrible.
Clubcomedy : THIS IS THE LAST ONE, FUN LOVERS.. THEY'RE KICKING US OUT.. AND BESIDES WE WANT TO GO INSIDE AND SEE TOM SHILLUE THE NICK AT NITE GUY PERFORM. WISH YOU WERE HERE!
Clubcomedy : MITCH JUST WANTS TO SAY THAT HE LOVES EVERYONE ON HERE... AND SEND HELP: JAFFE WON'T STOP KISSING ME!
Clubcomedy : Here is the last question..
Question : Are you married?
Clubcomedy : Mitch: AS A MATTER OF FACT, 5 MINUTES AGO, I JUST
